Fully known

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Psalms 139:13‭-‬15 NKJV

I made up my mind, that I was in a waiting space and when the time was right, like Elizabeth, my sons would come. Of course, everyone is asking how do you know they will be boys? Or inviting me to more prayers for the barren. I simply told them, I am not barren. This was the promise God made to those who obeyed Him, there shall be none barren among you.( Exodus 23:26) Loads of eyes rolling and angst because these conversations tired me. For crying out loud, I had done it all. Alllll! I even had notes.

I got into a space where random people would walk up to me and tell me how they dreamt that I was pregnant. Or they would see me holding a baby. I had been there, done that so I didn’t find it as fascinating as I should have. I would get into prayer meetings and they would pray for me. I would visit someone and it would end up being a prayer meeting. I was like Jacob, the Lord was in this place and I knew it not. God has jokes.

One Friday, I purposed to go to Rubaga Miracle Centre for the overnight. I had spent many overnights there while still a university student. I missed the fire and the noise and just being in a space where believers expected miracles. So I went. It was awesome, never to disappoint. The prayer time. The praise and worship, wooow. The testimonies. Pastor Robert Kayanja came on started ministering to several categories of people, and he called up women who had been told by doctors that they would not give birth. He went on to affirm that as Christians, we are not barren because the Bible says they shall be none barren among you. I knew this was the mother of all setups, so I walked to the front. I just need you to know that if for any reason he had said those words in a different way, I was not leaving my seat. He was not in a hurry, for some reason that overnight was live streaming so we were on cameras. He tells us to imagine we are holding our babies in our hands and rock them to sleep, sing to them. This was like for eternity. He invited the rest of the church not to spectate but to pray. So there we are with our arms cradling babies, we have called forth. Then he says, you have received your expectation, you may go. And back we went to our seats. Only we were received like conquering heroes, there was a loud cheer. A friend of mine, I didn’t know was at the overnight, came running to hug me. Wooowww!

Photo Credit: Pintrest

I took to spending Saturday mornings or afternoons with my mother in town. There were always errands to run in Kampala and home was a convenient stop over. My mother loved my company and I hers, so it worked for both of us. This one Saturday, I decided to head to Nakasero market first, because it could get really crowded. However, I could not get in at my usual 5am because I needed to get Mpafu, a type of fig, from the lower market which did not open till later. By the time, I got there it was crowded. Oh well. Off to see mummy. I spent a whole day there, hoping the traffic will ease so I get in at about 5 pm. My mum asks me what it is I must buy from the market that I could not get in another market. I tell her mpafu, she laughed and told me how I was becoming like her. When she was expecting me, she used to go to that same lady, early in the morning to get mpafu. Hahaha.

I went to the market, picked my mpafu and debated whether to take a pregnancy test. I decided, if not, why not? Headed to SAS clinic and did the test. The waiting was of, real butterflies, my hands were shaking literally. I started shivering but I was determined to maintain composure. Thankfully, the clinic traffic was low. I was the only client in the lab. It was a short wait. The test was positive.

I can’t hear youuuu, louder doctor. Did you say positive? Whenever I receive news that I didn’t anticipate, my ears get a humming sound and all sound is like an echo or buzzing. I was going through that.

I could see the doctor smiling and going on about something. It’s positive. All my years of waiting had ended. Just like that. The doctor recommended a scan to confirm and I am like, sure. Scans are good things. I was at peace with the world. All things were good. I have no problem.

Elated. Out onto the street. Excited. Up the stairs. Exhilarating. Onto the bed. Cold gel. Experience loading.

There he was. My baby. Just a bleep. Such a beautiful, black and white bleep. 7 weeks. God bless the creator of scans.

In part

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!
Psalms 116:1‭-‬2 NLT

I met another guy, cool as can be. Very accepting and confident about the situation. Well, let’s see how long he lasts. He married me.

And started what I now call my fertility journey. This story is intertwined with another story, there was a long standing custody battle for my step daughter going on. The issue of stress and it’s effects on your cycle is the fodder of medical journals. This is not my story, my story is one of overcoming even in the midst of such a strained, stressed and distressed environment.

I had determined, NEVER to go through hormonal therapy again. I was adamant about it. My husband was not there while I was going through it and I could not explain it in enough vivid detail. It was a sore point for some time, but I didn’t see any value addition in taking the medical journey. Yes, I met so many ladies for whom this had worked but it was too painful to go through Godzilla again. Especially as a young, blushing bride.

This was ok for the first year, a few nudges, side eyes at events to check for bulges but well, we were in a new millennium. Who rushes into child birth anymore, right? Laughter and onto more pressing matters.

The second year, pressure started mounting. What are you people up to? One person walked into the office, we had an open office and loudly announced, you girl, if you cannot give birth, you return our contributions to the wedding. Wow! It is a custom to fundraise for a wedding and up till that point, I always thought people did it because they were happy to see you wed. Clearly, naive. There are vested interests. There was a hush in the office, till one of the supervisors checked him for his remark. Later, a few work mates walked over to just encourage me and tell me so many stories about ladies who had gone through years and conceived, some we worked with and others remained stories. Two ladies took me under their wings, and prayed with me every day and encouraged me. One passed on but I shall never forget her kindness and compassion.

Photo credit: Pintrest

My MIL never took life sitting down. She has always been a fighter. She determined that this situation needed a fighter. She told me if you are not going to the doctors, we are going to pray. And so we started the rounds of looking for pastors all over the town. Any pastor she heard who healed, we were there. Sowing seeds. Praying. Counselling. Eventually, her home became a church. She hosted prayer meetings everyday. She lived 20kms away from our home at the time, we were there till late. Praying. It started to take a toll on me, I wasn’t sleeping well and eating well. One night, we had a near kidnap incident while waiting for Traffic lights to change. I opted out of this.

A friend of mine landed on Kenneth Copeland and his teachings on faith. While watching TBN, Kenneth Copeland was never one I would watch. I was watching TD Jakes, Juanita Bynum, Rod Parsley….fire in my bones. Well, here was this calm, Kenneth with his beloved Gloria and their southern drawls teaching on faith. The seed was sown. Every day we discussed the podcasts and faith began to grow. We prayed together daily.

A young, fiery, prophet Kakuru joined as an intern in our unit. As it is with prophets, the first encounters are dramatic. When he saw us across the room, he walked to us and told us he was going to sit next to us for his entire internship. Wow! We didn’t know him from Adam. He came back later, and started to teach us about prayer. Everything he said would tally with what Kenneth Copeland had taught.

Another young, quiet man with a pastoral heart joined our team after Kakuru left, he introduced us to e- sword. It was a downloadable Bible. I started to study the Word of God. I do not take it for granted that in this time, all these resources were available to me. I know God was at work, preparing me and teaching me about Himself so I could be like the tree in Psalm 1.

Still, I did not conceive. The frustration of doing all you know to do and still have negative pregnancy results started to set in. It seeped in like a cancer, slowly and started to settle. My days darkened and I began to feel worthless and useless. I was depressed but I didn’t know it.

God will not let you go. He will come to you. He came to me. Despite, the frustration, the only hope I had was in God. I took leave and decided to have a retreat with God. My maid had headaches that would keep her down for an entire day. I knew God to be the healer. James says if anyone is sick, let him call the elders. I called my pastor to pray for her. He decided to pray with me as well. Some thing lifted off me, I could see clearly.

First things first, faith without works is dead. I decided to go shopping for my baby. I knew it would be a boy so everything was blue. I found a lovely yellow outfit, my mother loved yellow, I got it for him. It was the only non-blue outfit. I researched about pregnancy, what to eat, what to wear, how to manage on a budget, the trending gyns, the hospitals. I attended baby showers, birthday parties and took notes about everything and I mean everything- maids, daycare, schools, curriculums, language, prayer-What I would do and what not to do.

During a visit to my SIL, I learnt that even with children,the romance is not over. A mother was still a wife and a companion.

A vivid conversation, I recall was that babies are also spirit beings so they know God. Hoooo…baby Bibles, baby gospel music. I started speaking to the eggs and hormones to hear the Word of God. I was high on the Most High.

At this point, I was doing pregnancy tests almost every week. They were negative, sometimes it felt there were two Doras. One willing to go and the other questioning her logic. If you keep doing the same thing you have always done, with the same results, why keep on doing it? Well, if it ain’t broke, you can fix it! Then I had it, the very last test, I wrote all the promises of God all over it. I spoke back to that report and told it to keep quiet. And I kept quiet.

Through a glass darkly

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
1 Corinthians 13:12 KJV

This week, we celebrate National Fertility Awareness Week. My story has been long in coming, here we are.

Photocredit: Pintrest

Where does one start this story, I guess from the onset of my menses. I was 12 years old, on my way to cookery classes, it was raining. I thought this is really an odd place for rain to drip through. When I got to my cousin’s apartment, right next to the cookery school, I rushed to the bathroom, checked and there was the dreaded red stain. The stain that made girls wear sweaters around their waists all through class. The stain that caused giggles among boys and attracted stares during lunchtime.

I thanked God, there were no stares. Only the privacy of my cousin’s bathroom. I cleaned up and used a makeshift pad from toilet paper. I was not sure how to tell my cousin, we had never talked about these things. Strange now that I think about it. I just needed to get through the day and tell mummy. And so it was, mummy was so excited. I, on the other hand, I am perplexed about what she is going on all about. My parents took us out for Chinese lunch, we did this every Saturday, this time though it was a celebration of my becoming a woman. There I am marveling, wow, who knew this came through that stain. I should be shouting it on the rooftops, like some sort of trophy.

They set me on the coolest path. I decided this would be the heritage for my daughters. No fear. No shame. Just a celebration of womanhood.

Celebrate it was until I got into an all-girls boarding school and the drudgery began. We had pit latrines but because pads do not decompose, the pits would fill up. It was expensive and dangerous to empty them frequently. So it was decided that we get pad bins, and use the incinerators to burn them up. Walking with a smelly, bloody pad from the latrine to the bin. The smell when they burnt…..not cool. Not cool at all. My mum totally unfazed, did not blink as I lamented and suggested tampons. And it was bliss once again. I still had to live with the smell of burning pads but c’est la vie!

Most of my peers had very predictable patterns, they knew when their menses started and ended. They also knew when they were ovulating. It was fascinating to watch them, like little examples in textbooks.

I, on the other hand, never to be bothered. When they came, we called her, Auntie Flow. When auntie Flow visited, she was well received. If she did not visit, there were all manner of reasons; stress, anxiety, diet, too much exercise, not enough exercise…or just phew…I had run out of tampons anyway. This went on till I met a guy.

He came from a family with so many girls, so many aunts, so many female cousins. He was all too familiar with the cycles. He thought it was not normal. I was like, tell me something, I don’t know. He says, gynecologists, fix this. The last time I had visited a gyn, had been about hemorrhoids and he had done a great job relieving my pain and I didn’t have them anymore.

Let’s. I said and off we went to visit a young but very good gyn. Dr. Pius Okongo. He had an awesome bed side manner. It was like this could be resolved by drinking water. Such a great person to meet. He asks me to chart my cycle, apparently it was something I should have done. Who knew. I take the chart home and start. Hahaha. I don’t know what that was, over six months, nothing looked like the other. I thought, well he is the expert, he will make sense of it.

You are laying eggs, was the easiest way he could explain what was going on. In his estimation, it was a miracle, I even had menses because not only did the eggs have a mind of their own. The two hormones were not talking to each other. I wish I had paid more attention in Biology. Maybe studied medicine. This would be so easy to understand. The good news was there were options to try to correct all his. He says all these things like he is telling you to go get water from the dispenser. How I wish.

Hormonal therapy is a nightmare. I got all the symptoms, I was a walking diary of a mad black woman, Godzilla, and sullen Sally. I gained weight and proceeded to shed it all off, I went from a size 16 to a size 8. My skin broke out and I darkened. As you can imagine, the jury was out. What is happening to you? Are you well? Urm, yes, just hormonal. Eventually, the guy could not take it, I think and out he walked. At this point, I am on some injection that is imported specifically for me. I get a prescription from Dr. Pius and head off to National Medical Stores, buy it and go back to the clinic to be injected. I had crazy hot flushes for over two years, after stopping the injection. I had to change my diet, I became allergic to chocolate. Dairy caused bloating. I love dairy, it makes me so happy to stuff myself with all manner of cheese. I could only look at it wistfully. No more chocolate, no more cake, no more ice cream.

What is life to me without thee?

Dr Pius, asked me, whether we were trying for a baby? I am looking at him like, we who is we? I am here to correct a cycle. He advised that I did not need to have a text book cycle but rather regular pattern. And it changes all the time, so the best time to come would be when trying for a baby. I thank God for Dr. Pius. I walked out a liberated woman. There would be no more hormone therapy for me.

Look at the Birds. Selah.


But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Matthew 6:33 NKJV

This morning as I pondered these words of Jesus as recorded by Matthew, a former tax collector, three things came to mind:

  1. This verse is not misplaced. Jesus goes on about birds, lilies, food, clothing, drinks and somehere in his teaching, out pops, this verse. Furthermore, it starts with a ‘But.’ What is the connection?
  2. Birds, flowers, all creation -other than man -was spoken into being in the account in Genesis 1. God said ‘Let the land produce vegetation,’ ‘Let the birds fly above the earth.’ So if God places such care on His Word to perform it, how much more care does He place on you whom He formed and breathed life into.
  3. The Kingdom of God is eternal and cannot be shaken. If you are looking for tangible, things that remain, then you should consider first putting aside birds and flowers and such manner of things(food, clothing, drinks) as concern your life. Because the Kingdom of God is the thing. The thing that does not fade or pass away. The thing that remains when everything else is gone.

Today, choose what you shall seek first. 🐦🐧🕊🦅🌹🌺🌻💐 or the Kingdom of God.